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Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

That wan't the carpet that I wanted you to hoover...

Dysons and Henrys and 'The Sound of Music' references. Oh my!

Today started off beautifully. With vinyl.

Okay... I was awake until about half two in the morning, and my mind was starting to feel a bit like a vice again. It feels like it's being crushed by a mixture of terrible thoughts that I know aren't true, fears that shouldn't exist and desires to do things that I just can't do. And even though you're aware that the thoughts will get you nowhere, you can't help yourself from thinking them. And that's the most frustrating part.

Hopefully you've never felt like that, and that you'll never have to. But if you have... you'll understand that it is a terrible feeling. 

It had disappeared by the morning time though, so I was relieved.

Relief turned into clutching my heart, bowing down on the kitchen floor in front of my Mum when she pulled this out of a package:


Paramore's 'Brick By Boring Brick' 
on limited edition 7" vinyl

Three reasons why I freaked out:
 1. I'm a vinyl junkie. You only have to mention vinyl in order to gain my full, undivided attention.
2. 'Brick By Boring Brick' used to be my all-time favourite song, and it's still in my top three. 
3. Ryan Russell's photograph was used as the design. Photo vinyl is unbelievably gorgeous.
Basically,  this particular vinyl makes for a very happy Lauren.

I headed to College soon after receiving it (I'd be lying if I said that I didn't consider taking the day off to cry over its sheer beauty), and ended up being on time for class.


Oh, SCREW YOU WHOOPI.
I can be on time. I have that ability.
Even if I don't use it often enough.

Just had a lovely, slow wander through town. I love doing that, because if you do, and stay alert, you notice so many things that you otherwise wouldn't. For instance, stickers that street-artists put up in the passing chance that someone would see them and smile. It's nice, just to feel as though you're not drifting through life without noticing the tiny little details.

Maddie, Murray, Shelby and Danny were standing outside the Crepe placey.
MADDIE: A bird shat on us.
SHELBY: It was on Danny's head, and Maddie's hand *laughs*
MURRAY: Tell everyone!
I never did understand why people considered a bird pooping on you to be good luck. I deem it to be terrible luck. Out of all the places that it could have possibly landed... why must it land on you?


  Did you just call me a flying rat?
I WILL SHIT ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.

When I got to college, I saw Dougal and Jim hanging out at Dino's. There was no class today because Simon was off and they didn't have the time to organise a cover for him. 

Dean then came in with a black bag. 
DEAN: This is yours Jim.
ME: What's in the bag. What's in the bag!?
JIM: WHAT'S IN THE BAG?! *turns to me* 'Se7en', right?
Most definitely. It's always great when someone gets that reference, because if no-one has seen that movie? You're just shouting WHAT'S IN THE BOX (or in this instance, bag) at them, for no good reason.
DEAN: You can open it, but I've got to record your reaction for Allison.
Jim, albeit hesitantly, agreed to these conditions.

He pulled the bag away to reveal... his very own, working puggy.


Dean made this for Jim on Thursday night.
It took him two hours.

Jim turned the handle, watching the different losing combinations spinning around before, finally...
"FUCKING JACKPOT!"
A bunch of coins shot out at the bottom, and everyone's faces lit up.

Jim told Dean that it was the best present he'd ever received, and they gave each-other a bro hug.
ME: Is it sad that I'll never be loved as intensely as that?
DOUGAL: I don't think anyone can be loved like that.
ME: Best bromance ever. 
We headed for coffee after that.

Jim was talking to the barista about the day we've had already. He came over to Dougal and I:
JIM: Nailed that conversation.
The barista laughed from the coffee machine to the backroom.

The basement conversations were wonderfully odd. Dougal convinced us that he broke up with a girl because she used his special roll of cushelle. Genuinely. Five minutes was spent just listening to him talk about how it kills him inside when someone uses his cushelle.

I then told them the story about the woman who went to the toilet in Starbucks. There was no toilet paper and out of desperation, she ended up using the roll itself. 

Somehow, this ended up becoming a conversation about using Dyson airblades to air dry...

Terrifying thought. Genuinely. Ladies? Never use a Dyson to dry yourself. I've heard of hoovering your carpet, but that's just ridiculous.

We were also talking about people who wear socks saying which day of the week it is, you know, just in-case you don't have Rebecca Black at hand to remind you of the order of the days of the week.

She's busy these days.
Someone's "gotta have cereal" after all.
DOUGAL: I'd wear Monday and Friday socks on Wednesday, one on each foot. Because it would work itself out.
ME: It would make a chat-up line too. "I want to see you between Monday and Friday".
Think about it... where would that be, if you wear a Monday sock on your left hand foot, and a Friday sock on your right hand foot?

You got your answer...?

YAY! You did it!

...

It's like an adult version of 'Dora the Explorer', I swear.

The whole conversation seems to be a blur to me now. I just remember laughing an absurd amount. 

Oh! Dougal was coming up with a number of similes:
Favourite simile: It's like she couldn't even organise a shag in a brothel.
Simile shaming award: It looks like Mike Tyson after he's been shat on by a squirrel.
Hanging out with Mum in the afternoon. That and I hoovered, with a Henry. Dysons have forever been ruined by today's conversation. Sob.

I'm surprised that my Mum and I didn't get kicked out of John Lewis:
MUM: What do you think about that knob?
ME: That's a nice knob. I prefer those knobs, because they are shiny.
MUM: That is too big to fit in your space. Oooh, I like that knob!
We were speaking about cookers. Okay? Cookers.

The rest of the shop probably weren't aware of this.

I'm still feeling giddy because Guitar Wifey made eye contact with me whilst she was singing.

Guys, this basically means that Guitar Wifey serenaded me.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS DAY


Lauren xxx

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