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Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Sunday, 6 January 2013

My granny has pants bigger than that.

There's nothing more off-putting than the 
sight of a bum cheek in public.


Especially when it's a baboon's. Seriously. I'm pretty sure that is a pink cushie pillow.


I kid you not.

Went to Frankie and Benny's with Chloe and Heather yesterday for a catch up.

Chloe face-timed me in the afternoon to arrange things. I showed her one of my origiami attempts:
CHLOE: That's a swan.
ME: It's a duck.
CHLOE: It's a pigeon.
ME: IT'S A DUCK! 
I get very protective over my origami attempts.

When Chloe's Mum drove by to pick me up, I told them the story about Romney and his dog:

ME: Yeah, he strapped the dog to the roof of his car. Do you know why?
HEATHER: Why?
ME: Because he said that the dog "liked it". And because he had diarrhoea.
HEATHER: Oh no! I'd have just put it in the baby seat.
ME: And where would you have put the baby?
HEATHER: On the roof. "It's raining!" "Doesn't matter, at least it's getting a wash!" 
ME: Chloe... never let Heather get pregnant.
Chloe wanted a woo-woo cocktail at Frankie and Benny's. Although, she did say that wanted a "woo-hoo" when I face-timed her earlier on:


She might have got this if she asked the
bar-tender for a woo-hoo.
Funkaayy.

She got her woo-woo, and it looked beautiful.

Heather and I got IRN BRU's. Scottish pride!

When we were seated, we took a quick look around and realised that a number of couples were texting away on their phones whilst they were on a date.
HEATHER: If someone did that to me, then I would take a bottle of olive oil and I'd be like *pretends to pour olive oil all over someone's crotch*
ME: "Extra virgin", which is what you'll be by the end of the night if you continue to text people on our date! 
Chloe then texts someone, prompting Heather to grab the bottle of olive oil and advance towards Chloe threateningly.

We decided to get desserts. We all opted for waffles:
CHLOE: I thought that said blue waffles.
I ordered the 'blue waffles'. It was the banoffee waffles. How Chloe can mistake banoffee waffles for blue waffles, I will never know.

When they arrived, Chloe turns to me and says:

CHLOE: I feel like a slow eater. Maybe it's because my waffle is bigger than yours?
Peckham's was next on the list. I ordered a lemonade and Chloe ordered a Koppaberg.
CHLOE: ... I didn't get ID'd.
The way she said it made it seem as though this was the crowning achievement of her life.
ME: I told Chloe that we're going to need to go to find her a nice Waterstones guy.
CHLOE: But what happens if they are in the gardening section, looking at books on how to grow weed?
ME: You think you get books on growing weed in waterstones?
CHLOE: ... I don't know. You might do!
ME: Okay, we won't go to the gardening section. We'll go to the cooking section, and you can get a nice, quiet guy who knows how to cook.
CHLOE: But what happens if he's looking for recipes on weed brownines?
Chloe clearly thinks that she's
going to meet Snoop
in Waterstones.
Fo' shizzle.

A girl then walked past us. Peroxide blonde hair. Dark tan. And hot pants that allowed both of her bum cheeks to be on show.
CHLOE: ... my granny has pants bigger than that.

Lauren xxx

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