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Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Ew, cooties.

They also have messed up feet and a strange
green cloud surrounding their bodies, but you
don't see people raising awareness of that, 
do you?

College this week has been fun. Pointless to the highest degree, but fun.

Today was our last class with Sara of 2012, so we watched a film, 'True Romance'.

Quentin Tarantino wrote the script. Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt, Christopher Walken and Samuel L. Jackson was in it. I have no clue how this film managed to slip under my radar for so long.

I liked it. There was an obligatory sex scene in it early on, which our class handled with maturity:
REBECCA: Oh, Daniel's loving this.
DANIEL: Oh yeah, wow.
SARA: Everyone, just look at the lighting...
DANIEL: It's not the lighting I'm looking at... 
JIM: Sara, what are they doing? 
 Let's go with the horizontal limbo.

There was a lot of, let's just say, 'running commentary' that went along with this film.
REBECCA: Who lives on a billboard?
MADDIE: I don't think he lives on the billboard.
REBECCA: Who has access to a billboard from their apartment?
Another sex scene comes along:
MADDIE: Oh no, you can't do that! Look at all the trucks going past.
And Brad Pitt was a roaring success as lovable stoner Floyd:
DANIEL: Get some beer... and cleaning products.
REBECCA: ... He didn't say it that menacingly.
*Dougal digs out some chocolate fingers*
REBECCA: Oooh, I heard that! Can't hide them from...
DOUGAL: Maybe I'd have offered to share if you were quiet for a minute. 
There was a little bit less talking after that. 

At the end of the film, we got told that we could go home if we wanted to. We all hung back for a minute, gathering round Przemek, who was dressed in a nice blue shirt and black trousers:
DOUGAL: How sexy does Przemek look?
DEAN: Blue and black aren't meant to go together, but he pulls it off. 
We stare at Przemek's Godliness for a moment, in not so silent appreciation.
JIM: *laughs* ... Fuck off!  
Headed to Pret a Manger with Dougal, Ryan and Alex after that for some hot drinks/cookie.  

A lady comes over to us, dressed in a festively pimped out uniform:
LADY: *to Alex* Want to have a dig in my stocking?
ALEX: ... Okay? *digs in a Christmas stocking and pulls out a Crimbo crumble* As easy as that?
LADY: As easy as that!
And she disappears like a shadow in the night. Life is weird like that sometimes.
RYAN: I was just thinking... when you're a little kid, and you don't want to hang out with girls, or boys, because they've got 'cooties'. Really, they are just preparing you for STD's. 
Good observation. I agree that kids are being prepared for the horrors of the adult sex life from an early age.
ME: In Spongebob, there are crabs living in Bikini Bottom. Sorry for ruining Spongebob for you.
 Screw you, you absorbent imbecile.

Went to Starbucks after that, because let's face it, going from one coffee shop to another is perfectly acceptable.

Anyway, we were playing my favourite game... claim the comfy four seater before Bruce Willis pirate beats you to it.

Yeah. I admit, it's not the catchiest name.

Basically, it's seat wars. There's always that one table in Starbucks that, if you get, everyone has to throw their hands up in the air, and say "You've won dude." Whether it's he table with the comfiest chairs, the cosiest corner or the  best position for spying on others, there is always that one table that everyone seems to want.

This is our usual table. 

Seriously, Starbucks Union Street is our
Central Perk, and those four seaters are 
our seats.

I was going to carve our names into them, but for some reason, Starbucks doesn't seem to be cool with that.

Anyway, some dude was sitting in our seats, so we kept an eye on him, and waited patiently for him to bugger off so we could reclaim our throne.

Plot twist: A bald man, resembling what I imagine Bruce Willis' son would look like if he bred with a pirate, began eyeing up the same seats. He sat down in the window seat, closer to the four seater than where we were sitting.

As soon as the guy moved, Dougal ran over and claimed the four seaters. Captain Willis looked at him with pure hatred.

Huzzah. We win once more.

Hung out with Sara at night. Lovely wee catch up. 

She came to pick me up with her car, and I gave her the Christmas present that I had just made her (literally, just made). She popped it in the boot and away we went.

Problem was, we didn't close the boot properly, so she got out and closed it. Only thing? It was really windy and she was struggling with her car door. Things were not helped by the fact that her scarf had caught to said door, and the hat slipped down, now covering her eyes:
SARA: WAAAAH! WAAAAH! I CAN'T SEE! WAAAAAH-HA-HA *incomprehensible squeals*
ME: Do you want.... some help? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU!
We picked up Andrew and away we went. Parking in Union Square was a genuine nightmare. Around and around we went, shouting at drivers who were indicating into available spaces, and getting annoyed at shoppers who came back to their car only to drop off gifts, giving everyone false-hope.

After fifteen minutes, three hundred and ninety laps of the carpark (guesstimation) and countless angry outbursts, we finally got a space.

We went to Nandos and had a lovely catch up, before heading to Starbucks and meeting up with Andrew again. Conversations went a little bit like this:
ME: I'd like to have a husband called Barry, because then I could say "I'M MARRYING BARRY. Time to marry Barry!"
SARA: Or Harry.
ME: Or Larry.
ANDREW: Or Carrie.
ME: I'm not a lesbian! Why does everyone think I'm a lesbian? I don't want to be a lesbian *puts head in hands* I don't want to be a lesbian... There's too much going on down there man.
ANDREW: ... What?
ME: I don't know. I just don't think that I have the proper equipment. 
I genuinely don't even know what I meant by that comment. Basically, I'm straight. 

But apparently, checked shirts are a symbol of lesbianism. Which is kind of awkward because my wardrobe is full of checked shirts...  
ME: So, I'm a lesbian because I wear checked shirts?
ME: Oh, okay, screw it man, I'm coming in tomorrow dressed as a rainbow instead.
So much quotable moments happened, and it annoys me that it's 1am in the morning because I can't think of them all right now. I'll leave you with this new euphemism for someone who has 'gotten around', which ties nicely into the spooning/sporking/forking/ladleing/whisking conversation I had with Kelly yesterday:
"She's used all of the cutlery in the kitchen, if you know what I mean."
Life. Loving it.

Lauren xxx

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