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Monday, 19 November 2012

Mid-life crisis

ME: I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. 
EVERYONE: You're eighteen. You're too young to have a mid-life crisis.
ME: Then I clearly only plan to live until I'm thirty six. 
I've had this conversation too many times to even count.

The fine line between living and existing is something that has always fascinated me. They say that life is short, and that is something that I've always been conscious of. There would be times as a child when I'd be crying on my bedroom floor because I had worked out at what ages I'd be likely to lose my relatives, or be angry at myself for not achieving anything worthy of note.

Yes, I was one of those children. Does that really surprise you?

Didn't think so.

Anyway, last week, I worked out that I had turned eighteen and half. I've been on this planet for six thousand, seven hundred and sixty four days. On the bus home tonight, Ashleigh and I worked out that roughly a fifth of my life  is already over. 

And I'm not scared because "I'm a fifth of the way closer to death" or anything. I don't fear death. But the idea of wasting my life with a mere existence? That terrifies me. I try to rack my brain to determine how many of those nearly seven thousand days have been spent doing worthwhile things and honestly... I don't even want to think about it. 

Right now, I'm at a point where I just want to be alone, so I can try to figure out what I need to do to stop myself from feeling so pressured to make something of my life, to stop feeling as though I don't deserve it. Because right now, I don't. I have a collection of loving friends and family, an education and a wealth of opportunities, and here I am, just wanting to be alone with my thoughts.

I suppose I was just wondering... am I alone with those thoughts? Or is this something that everyone goes through at one point or another? And if so... why does no-one ever bring this up in conversation? 

From one confused mind to another,

Lauren xxx

P.S. Sorry if that was a bit of a downer. Not much happened today at all until I met Ashleigh after college. It was one of 'those' days.

1 comment:

  1. Just like to say I know just what you mean. That sums it up. I'd suggest to you a way of thinking that I adopt, which is that there are many people who are living but have no idea they are alive. To be conscious of your life and truly live it, experience it and to just feel as much as you can, is what counts. It's nice to have achievements but what really matters is that you lived your life the way you wanted. Basically, feeling and being aware you are alive is most important. Very few people are extraordinary by traditional standards but you are at least experiencing life rather than falling through it, like a lot of people do. And I think you're fucking awesome, if that helps.