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Monday, 17 September 2012

Suck my hyper-cardioid!

Going to start off this post with a little flashback.

*Queue old-school Batman cut scene music*

It was the very start of the year and I decided I needed to choose a college course. 

It was between two, the photography course that I was more likely to get a job with, and a TV production course that could result in me getting my dream job of working with cameras.

I could only choose one to apply to.

My Mum refused to help me with this difficult decision because she wanted me to go to University instead. 

So I went with my gut and I chose TV production... obviously.

*Doodly doodly doodly doo*

I included that story in this post because I didn't realise it back then, but it may have been the best decision I've made in my life thus far. I cannot fully express how much I love this course and the people on it. It just blows my mind.

Lots of my friends are starting University this week, and my only wish is for them to enjoy themselves on their courses as much as I'm enjoying mine. 


Okay, I lied. I also wish Taylor York was my boyfriend, I could make a critically acclaimed film and that I could surf like a pro.

I mean, even this dog can surf. Sure, it's in a swimming pool... but it's a DOG.

Right, onto the day!

Dougal was telling us all about his experience at the Nando's training day on Friday.
DOUGAL: Really, we walked in, and it started off as an alcoholics anonymous meeting. "You will work a shift here, and then you will go out and get pissed.". They kept saying "This is a great hangover cure" too... then we did some of those team building games where you had to make a tower out of paper (my group won) and finally we had to make up a jingle for Nando's, which my group did to the beat of '5, 6, 7, 8'. I danced.
Then there was a little confusion.
DEAN: So, it's a chicken and a cock?
DOUGAL: A hen and a cock.
RYAN: And the hen lays eggs?
DEAN: So a...
DOUGAL: A cock is a male chicken and a hen is a female chicken. Jesus, it's like being back in nursery!
RYAN: *innocently* Where do baby chickens come from Dougal?
DOUGAL: An egg...
DEAN: And how do they lay eggs?
DOUGAL: That's what happens when the male chicken fucks the female chicken Dean. 
This carried on for longer than you'd expect. Then Ryan (our lecturer Ryan, not classmate Ryan, gaaaaahh) came through the door and we resumed our chat about chickens got on with our work like good students.

*For the benefit of us all, lecturer Ryan will now be known as Captain Camera. More on why later*
 Captain Camera: I had chicken heart at the weekend.
"Oh God, we're being lectured by a guy 
who's into sacrifice." 
DOUGAL: Where did you get that?
CAPTAIN CAMERA: Some place in Glasgow called Viva Brazil, but it's called churrascaria
DOUGAL: ... Take me with you?
CAPTAIN CAMERA: I think I'd get into trouble for doing that. 
I don't know why, but Dougal is really starting to become desperate to create some new bromances at College.

It was sound class, so we made some pretty pictures. I replicated the ones we drew on paint...

Which, admittedly, is like trying to forge the Mona Lisa using crayolas.

These are the different polar response patterns you can get and the way our class will remember them all:

 CAPTAIN CAMERA: *whilst drawing* Can anyone tell me why it's called a cardioid?
DOUGAL: Because it looks like a kidney? 
CAPTAIN CAMERA: Are you just going to be difficult Dougal?! *tilts head slightly whilst drawing* Must. Not. Draw. Circles. That. Close.
*Our class now can't look at this without seeing a pair of boobs. All apart from...*
RYAN: Why is that funny? 
DEAN: ... Are you really a boy? 
*The rest of the class moves on*
RYAN: .... Oh, hahahahaha! 

CAPTAIN CAMERA: *Drawing wavy lines out of each of the spots with circles on it to indicate where the mic picks up sound from* Yeah, I'm uh... not going to draw that there.
DEAN: I'm going to remember the difference between super-cardioid and cardioid because the cardioid are females, and the super-cardioid are males, and males are better. 
CLASS: Ooooh!
CAPTAIN CAMERA: I'm not getting involved in that one. 
Figure of eight
CAPTAIN CAMERA: You can remember this by... thinking of it as a bird's eyes view of two Mexicans talking to eachother, whilst wearing sombreros. Looking the other way, with big noses.... having a Mexican stand off with two pirates. *draws lines from ovals* Whilst holding their arms out.
Boom. Never tell me that I haven't taught you anything.

We then got off for a short break (because a two hour class is unbearable without a short break...)

We all attempt to pile onto two sofas. All nine of us. It was like human tetris.

Beautiful sight.

Balsamic (apparently, our new nickname for Przwhycaninotspellyournamerightyetek) was sitting on the edge of the sofa and he was asked to move by a security guard:
BALSAMIC: Is it 'cause I'm Polish?

We went back to class to find that Captain Camera had been drawing photos for us in order to help us revise.

One was of stickman Dean, who we had to decide which was the best sort of mic to record him doing an interview whilst standing beside the Priory and a busy road.

Captain Camera then added to the drawing. It ended up a little like this:
DEAN: What...
CAPTAIN CAMERA: You've pulled! It's that woman that plays ukulele.
 Otherwise known as Guitar Wifey. 
Ukulele wifey is my nickname.

Then we got to see lots of short films that Captain Camera has either made or starred in. One features Ryan in a superhero costume, known as Captain Camera.

Day = made.

'The Haunted Cludge', not to be mistaken with 'The Haunted Clunge', which will become our second year porn film was also a highlight. It is about a haunted toilet, with the ghosts of CGI poop floating around in one of the scenes.


Just... just wow.

Lauren xxx

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