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Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Looking through some old drafts... here's a 5th year story for you!


I have failed you all.

"Daily" blog has failed completely.

So I'll just give you a little summary for what's been happening to me lately :)

Subject summary first?


Well, we still have no teacher.

Which, if you think about it, is pretty humiliating for the school, cause we're meant to have TWO.

There's rumours of her getting sacked. 

In the mean time, we've just been having Mr Moody (an ex drama teacher) teaching us.

He's awesome, he let's us chat, listen to music and tells us stories.

What more could you want from a supply?!

It's also looking as if he's going to be of more use than Miss Alba herself, so win?

We also had Mr Rae, who used to have a moustache that made him look like a walrus, but he's shaved that off now, so he no longer looks like a walrus.

We've just been talking about Harry Potter in all honesty.

Billy admitted that it brought a tear to his eye when (Highlight to reveal SPOILER) ----> Dobby dies.

It brought a tear to my eye too because one of my friends... well... her last name is Dobbie. So whenever I hear Dobby, I think of her... so when Dobby died.... FLOOODS!

Spoilers over.

I'm going to assume that ALL of you know this kid

No. It's not Barbie. It's Bieber.

And I'm going to assume that at least a few of you will know THIS kid...

If you can watch more than 30 seconds, you are either a robot or have had at least seven kids with ADD and constant hyperactivity.

Either that, or you are stoned out of your mind.


Put Fred's voice in Bieber's body, dye his hair brown and TAH DAH!

You get a third year in our School.

BILLY: Wow... You look identical to Justin Bieber.
BIEBER KID: You look identical to Frankenstein.
BILLY: *looks around classroom before* Did that just happen?
BILLY: Well........ you look like FAGostein.
BIEBER KID: I don't care if I look like Justin Bieber because that means I'm rich, I'm famous, all the girls love me....
BILLY: Yeah, but you're a lesbian. 

Along with the quote:
BILLY: I know there's plenty of fish in the sea but I've fairly harpooned a walrus.

Oh yeah, um, English fails.

Calum and Maria went down to see Mrs Fulton (the ONE teacher that is always there, wee legend that she is) and discovered something.

SQA were, until this Friday, allowing last years 5th years who sat the English course last year, to skip the folio section of the course entirely.

And, on Friday, they changed their mind.

Yes. Half way into a teaching year, the SQA changed the rules.

Meaning these people only have a month or two to write a folio. 

And then what happened? 

Mrs Ashley came into her room and said "It's snowing, I'm away home."

Oh you little warrior woman you... 

It's bloody frozen rain! SUCK IT UP!

You can't just go home because it's snowing. If we did that we'd be marked down as truanting.

Speaking of Mrs Ashley... we think she's pregnant.

Sorry, let me rephrase, Sarah thinks she is pregnant.

Which is okay, right, she might be pregnant? Things happen.

BUT... you may forget... she's a lesbian.

And I know there are ways that a lesbian can get a bun in her over (I know this because I typed "How do Lesbians get pregnant" into google whilst logged onto Laura's name on the school computers... you know, the ones that have their internet search histories checked up on every week or so? Yeah, ain't as stupid as you think, I ain't using my own name.)

Mostly by using a Turkey baster or sperm hacking their gay best friend forever.

Or adoption, but considering the circumstances, I can't see that being the cause of her sudden weight gain.

So we all snuck off to the library (all seven of us), hid in the corner of the library and stared at her stomach. 

Which, now I think of it, would have made an INCREDIBLY awkward moment if she turned towards us.

It was an even split. Half of us thought she was pregnant, the other half thought she was just getting fat.

To be honest, I don't really register weight gains. They are who they are, I see them for what they are underneath.

But ANYWAYS, we weren't content with the even divide between fat/pregnant, so we turned to google again (still in Laura's name) and typed in "How to tell if someone's pregnant or fat" 

We are very blunt.

Something tells me that people write up these articles for a giggle.

My favourite tips?
"Intentionally drop a $100 note and see if they will pick it up.
Pregnant women won’t squat down for $100 (not even the kind ones). The entire process requires too much effort. But then again, fat people are usually too lazy to squat down either, in case they burst an artery."
Yeah. That's fool proof. Even if I was morbidly obese, I would go through a whole god damn army assault to get a $100 note!
"Get them to take off their top.
Fat people are usually reluctant to strip, but pregnant women will find any excuse to show off their sexy curves."
Scientifically proven (To get you slapped)
"Offer to buy them a beer.
I’ve never seen a fat person refuse a free beer, but pregnant women won’t touch alcohol with a ten-foot barge pole, unless they’re alcoholics, in which case you’ll be feeding their addiction and eventually be responsible if their baby comes out drunk and partially stoned"
Are we remembering that this is a teacher? I'm hardly going to stroll up to her and ask her "Heyyyyyyy Mrs A, wanna go for a beer?"
After that, we STILL weren't content so we searched for Psychics, because... well, because we could.
But we had no luck because the internet gave us horoscopes instead of psychics and nobody bothered to remember her birthday. Honestly guys.
We then searched "How many millions is in a packet of millions, just to confuse the technician who looked up Laura's internet history.

Ahhh Maths. My nemesis.

Some good times though, was away to walk into the classroom when I heard a scream, naturally, I looked for the source.

It was Sophie, she screamed again and walked towards Danielle and Nicola's table.

And on it?

A HUGE puddle covering the entire four tables.

Yep. There was a leak in the roof (at the light) so it was probablly in the electrics...

So what does Sophie do?

Goes to the light switch and flicks it on.


She knew what she was doing! Oh yeah, don't get that wrong.

She just wanted to see what would happen (NOTE: I'm typing this up so nothing colossally bad happened)

Weirdest thing about the roof leaking? We were on the second floor of a three storey building....

It was Sophie's comment to Dougal that had me in fits.

She was wanting to join the Grease chorus, so she asked Dougal to join her
SOPHIE: Come on Dougal! You've got the voice and I've got the body!
I love this kid.

Speaking of Sophie, she came in on Children in Need day... dressed as a Punk...

What can you say?

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