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Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Paranoia is your new best friend

When you have a stressful day, sometimes you have to go to your 'happy place'...

Not that happy place you pervert! 

No, the 'happy place' when you're on a beach, sipping piña colada's that are served by sexy senors and senoritas, with fluffy bunnies surrounding you.

Look... it wants you to tickle it's belly.
Stress be gone!

The thing is, if you've been watching horrors, your 'happy place' begins to become corrupted. Your beach becomes a dungeon, the  piña colada's become your own vomit (or even worse, someone else's... bleurgh) and not even the innocent bunnies are spared by the raging force that is paranoia.

Say hello to Frank. 
Remember that little bunny whose 
belly you didn't tickle?
Well... He grew up. 
And you made him mad.

I was having a bit of a horror session yesterday... which is possibly the stupidest idea I've ever had (now that's saying something) because I really cannot stand horrors. I end up thinking that my doors are out to get me. Or that cats are going to come into my bedroom at night and eat me alive... either way, it's not a pretty sight.

But I ignored my brain and watched 'Pet Sematary', which was actually a very good film.

Okay... when I said I watched it, I meant I looked at the screen for the majority of the time, and hit behind my covers screaming "DEMON CHILD!!" at the TV for the last half an hour.

If I wasn't scared enough already after watching that and reading up about the Slender man myth, I decided, "Hey, remember that film that creeped you out ages ago? 'Donnie Darko'? Go read up about it. Go read up about it right now."

So I did.

And... well... the website punked me.

I was sitting there, in complete darkness, at eleven o'clock at night, focusing intensely on the information on screen, when suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a voice:
"Wake up Donnie."
I threw my earphones across the room and began to cry. I WAS THAT SCARED. 


This voice... late at night... unexpectedly... are my actions justified?


You be the judge.

RECEPTION DUTY

Last time that Abie and I will ever have to do this.

It's bittersweet I suppose.

On the upside, we won't have to deal with ginger janitor's taunts again


On the downside, I don't get to hang out with Abie for an hour every week. 

Further downside, we don't get to hear JC's (Jenny-Claire, or, as she's happy to be known as, Jesus Christ) stories and raps. 

Abie brought in belvita breakfast biscuits nearly every Tuesday for the entire year, and yet, I still can't remember the name of them.

Always want to call them Bravita's, which, last time I googled it, came up with some weird shiz.

Don't even go there.

Anyway, we didn't have any overly sentimental moments or anything like that. Just the usual, lovely chat.

Including this exchange:
ABIE: What's the difference between breakfast pancakes and normal pancakes?
ME: Well, you see, breakfast pancakes are pancakes that you eat from breakfast, when you just wake up, usually served with syrup.
ABIE: Awww... I thought there was a special kind of pancake for breakfast.
ME: No, no, but it just tastes so *insert foodgasm noise here* when you eat them just after waking up.
ABIE: * fantasising about pancakes now* I'd really like to go to America and have some pancakes and bacon for breakfast.
ME: Unnnnnnfff... me too. 
Look. I'm going to be honest with you all... I have a pancake addiction.


Seriously.


If I could intravenously inject pancakes and syrup... I would.


This shouldn't come as a surprise though, you're talking to the same girl that got so excited over the mere thought of breakfast pancakes that she made up a little jingle to sing to herself as the pancakes were in the microwave...
"Breakfast pancakes, you are so very tasty
Breakfast pancakes, I'm gonna pour some syrup on you." 
Lyrically, I'm no Florence Welch. But the jingle itself is awesome...


And grossly ripped off of this video:






FREE

Lovely, chilled out banter.

Well... when I say 'chilled out'...

There was a little disagreement between Lucas and half of the females at the table.

Maybe it was because Kyle had just outed him as a paedophile on twitter (when someone hacks your phone and finishes a tweet with the hashtag #Children, there's really no coming back) or maybe it's because we haven't seen him Tuesday's second period for quite a whiley, but everyone was being mean to him today.

He 'stole' Zoe's seat. 

Zoe came back and kicked him off of her seat in seconds.

So he stole Linzie's seat and sat beside me.

Linzie came back and tried to reclaim her seat:
LUCAS: Why don't you just move up one seat?
LINZIE: Because I want to sit beside Lauren!
LUCAS: Maybe I want to sit beside Lauren!
ME: Please, there's no need to fight over me!  
Linzie reclaimed her seat. She then blanked everyone to do the sensible thing and utilise her spare time by studying. Lucas wasn't happy:
LUCAS: You're not even talking to them!
LINZIE: So? 
Kyle then brought up a sick account on twitter that I told everyone to report and block ages ago, some guy that was either 

  1. Pretending to be a paedophile or
  2. Was actually a paedophile
Whatever bullet point applied to him, it was still a very sick account that I think, or rather, I hope has been deleted. Anyway, you know what Linzie's immediate reaction was?

She laughed.

Sure, it was a "how can people be so sick?!" kind of a snort, but it still gave me and Kyle the perfect opportunity to shout:
"LITTLE GLITTER!"
Going to explain this as quickly as I can...

LG are Linzie's initials.
LG is an abbreviation of Little Glitter.

We were talking about Gary Glitter
when it dawned on us that Linzie's
initials were the perfect fit for Little Glitter
The rest is history.
LINZIE: NOOOOO!!
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention....

Linzie really hates this nickname.


DOUBLE ART

Actually did work. Almost witnessed a group of children getting murdered with a samurai sword as they one by one asked for a palette of paint.

They are from the same class, in technical, but they still needed half of our palettes. Mr McDonald was away to explode.

By the way, the samurai sword reference wasn't completely random. In fact, the art department does own a samurai sword. And several other dangerous weapons. There are no special locks keeping children away from said weapons. It's a severed limb away from a lawsuit if you ask me.

Don't worry. We have an awesome lawyer to defend us in the event of that happening.


We bought him off of Sacred Heart
for a toupée and a lifetime supply of
prozac. 
Bargain.

Bev then saw a grey Ford Ka and freaked out. COMPLETELY.
BEV: OH MY GOOOOOOD, THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE NICEST CAR I'VE EVER SEEN. It had black wheels and it was grey and, ARRGGGHHH!
It was a really nice car.
 BEV: *looking at driver* Why are you driving it? YOU'RE OLD. Is that meant to last you the rest of your life? *turns to me* It would.

As said, it was a really nice car.

DOUBLE ENGLISH

Sara passed her driving test!


She also passed, first time, with David Sheen.

I love that man.

He reminds me of a happy walrus, but I'm not sure why...?

Moving on... 

I had a vanilla latte, and Sara had a frappuccino, so she put the dome of the container on my cup and then said happily:
SARA: It looks like where Pingu lives! 
ANDREW: An igloo?
SARA: Yeah.
Walking to English, we saw the strangest thing...


A tree.

Wait for it. 



That was growing traffic cones.


Seriously, four or five of them, all on the one tree.


Don't even want to know.

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