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Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Well aren't you just a cactus smuggler?

Can't look a cactus straight in the eyes now...

Well... I suppose I couldn't look them in the eyes in the first place, seen as they don't have eyes.

Apart from that one.

Annnnd that one....

That one too....


We had a fantastic talk about teenage cancer...

Such a cheery topic to start off your morning(!)

It genuinely was a great talk though, despite the worrying subject matter. It really puts your own mortality into your head however. 

Sara gave me a box of scrabble so I could borrow it for art, and the box split open just before the talk started. So I was pulling out random letters and they all spelled random two lettered words such as 'TV' and 'no'. I am too easily amused, I tell you.

Skin cancer is the most common type of cancer in young people however, so remember to put on your sun-cream kids, even if it is only Aberdeen!

When the talk was over, I found Liam and he told me he was kicked out of my maths class! I'm pretty upset, although, I'm surprised that he lasted this long!

He genuinely never comes to class. Probably because when he does come, he gets abused by the douchio brothers, Shaw and Hughes.  

"Heeeey Douchio, isn't that-a Smurf-a hair-styleeeee?"


I think I've repressed everything that happened in this period...


Bad news - Favourite barista Joey wasn't there and the queue was huge (probably as the direct result of the first point)

Good news - Kelly and Ewan were there instead!

As soon as I got in however, I whapped oot the scrabble set and began spelling stuff out whilst I asked:
ME: When does one plus one equal six?
SARA: Uhh... I don't know!
ME: When you're playing scrabble! 
I then proceeded in spelling two one's in order to prove that spelling one twice equals a grand total of six. 
SARA: Mind fuck!
I then spelled mind fuck.

Sara gasped so I changed it around to find muck.

Then I changed it to mink fud.

Yeah, the 'c' mysteriously disappeared.

After that, Kelly came through the door to brighten everyone's days up, I decided to ask her the scrabble riddle:
ME: Kelly, when does one plus one equal six?
She pauses.
KELLY: When the world is three times bigger than it actually is? 

I suppose that's... right?

Ewan then came over to chat to us before he went away to work, after just getting off the sleeper from London, where he had an audition (it went well, but with Ewan, you'd have no doubt that it did!)

Ewan explained that he shared a room/bunk-bed/whatever you call those things you get on sleeper trains with a guy that wasn't too bad.

Immediately, "what if...?" situations started to arise.
"What if the man you were sharing with was gay?"
"What if the man you were sharing with was a pervert?" 
I love how these types of conversation are considered tame, even when we are in a public space.
ME: This day is almost perfect! If only Joey was here...
KELLY: Joey?
ME: The sexy Russian barista that asks you if you'd like *impersonating Joey* Wheeeeped creeeeem. And you're just like...

 ME: Ohhhhh yes.
 At this precise moment, my mouth drops and I point outside, Kelly looks and we both burst into laughter at the sight of Meryl Streep on a bus.

Silent judgement.

It's a personal joke thing. Or as people who tell a story that no-one else finds funny, you had to be there.

On a completely unrelated matter, we then began to speak about Deal or no Deal (great show bro')
KELLY: Oooh! Oooh! There was this little Chinese man who was on it, and his trousers were up to here! *Points to rib-cage area*
EWAN: *Painfully* Oooh.... 
KELLY: He might not have been Chinese actually... but he was definitely foreign!
ME: Every foreign man is Chinese in Kelly's eyes! 
Ewan then brought up 'A Serbian film'.
SARA: I'd like that one!
KELLY:  Is it Serbian?
ME: It would be awkward if it wasn't! 
The plot involves an aging porn star and torture... 

This is almost as bad as 'Wedding Trough'

Ewan then had to go to work (boo!) so we decided before he left that we'd go to see 'Star Wars' in the cinema when it was re-released later on this year, and then go to Tinderbox.
EWAN: We went there once, *whispering* the coffee was much cheaper than here. When we were away to leave, someone asked "Aren't you going to stay for the Jenga tournament?" *Everyone's faces lit up* Exactly!
 Going to annihilate everyone with my mad jenga skills.

Starbucks has a serious problem with their girl toilets. Someone goes into them monthly (armed with a hammer) and bends every single one of the locks.

Some crimes are so pointless
ME: I thought I was Wonder woman or something though, because I was trying to bend them back into shape like *pretend to try bending the locks back into shape, straining* Urgghhh... euuurgh!
KELLY: Good job the door was open or people would be like "What is she doing?!" 
Of course, it's not a Kelly/Lauren meeting without one of us laughing a little bit too hard.

During a laughing session
ME: Peeeeeing!
KELLY *Stops laughing* Too much information!
ME: Not literally peeing... have you never said "Peeeing!" when you're laughing really hard? 
KELLY: No, I'm a normal person!
Don't listen to her, if she didn't say that before, she does now.


Seen as it was the last lesson we'd get before next weeks prelim, our class knuckled down for some solid rev...

Sorry... Couldn't finish that sentence.

We spent the double period looking for Tom's toy centipede, Jean-Paul, which Jordan so cruelly stole away from him.
JORDAN: I don't know! I think he ran away.
TOM: Jean-Pauuuuul?
This got increasingly desperate as the period went on.
TOM: YOU'VE got Jean-Paul.
MIKEY: I'll show you that I don't! *Empties out pockets*
TOM: Who's got Jean-Paul?!
JORDAN: Ms Struthers has Jean-Paul.
TOM: *Skeptical* Why would she have Jean-Paul?
JORDAN: She kidnapped him whilst you were trying to find her. 
LINDA: This is so sad...
ME: It's tragic!
JORDAN: ... Is Jean-Paul a centipede or a millipede? 
TOM: JEAN-PAUL! *Goes on a hunt*
The Jean-Paul conversation was followed by the intriguing question:
JORDAN: If you have sex with a shemale, is it considered to be gay or straight? 
Going to leave that one with you....

Chloe then gave me a quick (and by quick, I mean three hour) phone call. 

We came up with an educational new game, all you need is a computer, an internet connection and someone to play it with.

Think of a word and then go to Urban Dictionary. Type in said word. Learn awesome new phrases.

For example:
Cactus smuggler: An American transvestite.
Mango bango: An explicit sexual act involving anal penetration, a jump-rope and a three legged dog. 
I'm pretty sure that the Mango bango is illegal in twenty three different countries.

Bye you smoogy's (cuties)!

Lauren xxx

1 comment:

  1. I made up the Mango Bango term and definition late one night with some friends at least 5 years ago. Haha glad to see it making waves.