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Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Report any juggling mimes to security

This may be the oddest thing that you've ever heard... in your life.


But there are 22 states in American that have either legalised bestiality or have no laws against it. These states are:
Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Hawaii, Iowa, KentuckyLouisiana, Missouri, NebraskaNevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas (nae doubt), Vermont, Washington and West Virginia


No...
Not the guinea pig!


I don't know why someone would look at a dog, a cat, a horse or any other kind of animal, be it domestic or wild and say "I'll be having some of that! MEEEEE-OWWWW!"


...


Okay, I don't know why someone would make cat noises when they are sexually excited, regardless of whether or not it's an animal or a human. 


I mean, cats lick themselves and poop in the garden, they are hardly the sexiest creature in the animal kingdom, are they?


My eyes! They burn.


I'm behind on blogging, once again, mainly due to the fact that I haven't been in the mood for writing recently.


Me and Ashleigh headed down to Glasgow on Saturday, to see All Time Low and (more specifically) their support band, We Are The In Crowd.


So at 10.30, we headed tentatively down to the bus station to get on the bus that was headed for Glasgow... 


Only, we didn't know where it was, when we were supposed to get off and who we were meant to see about answering any of these questions.


We got on the one that said 'Glasgow' and crossed our fingers, hoping that we didn't end up stuck down in Dundee...
ASHLEIGH: We're going to end up in Turkey.
 Megabus run the charity "A turkey isn't just for Chirstmas" campaign,
raising money to send Turkey's to Turkey for a Summer holiday to calm
their nerves before the dreaded F-E-S-T-I-V-E period...




I was hoping that they couldn't spell festive...
Dammit.



Ashleigh checked us onto the megabus on her iPod, well...
ASHLEIGH: *typing* Daaa.... megabooooooose.
Ashleigh's Mum then commented on her check-in, telling us to be careful.
ASHLEIGH: See? My Mum knows that we're going to be murdered and raped in Dundee.
ME: Plan of action for today, don't get raped. Don't get murdered.
Of course, me and Ashleigh's conversations get a little... well... weird? 


And this bus journey was no exception.
ME: Pigs orgasm for thirty minutes.
ASHLEIGH: What?!
ME: Yeah... it's really sad that someone actually had to time that.
Stop watches at the ready lads...


Oh yeaaaaah.


Which then spun the conversation about bestiality.  
ASHLEIGH: It's legal in eighteen states.
ME: I bet one of them is Texas...
We were so lucky that no-one from Texas was on that bus! 


But look at the list, Texas was one of the ones that legalised it!

I find it odd that you can marry your cousin or have sex with a pig there, but you can't marry someone of the same sex as you... 



Oh Texas. You crazy ass state.


A ridiculous amount of crazy convos were had on the megabus. Three whole hours worth.


We had a few normal ones too however:
ASHLEIGH: How long have you been driving then?
ME: Oh, since June!
ASHLEIGH: Ooh, have you reversed yet? 
*I laugh, then realise that she's being deadly serious*
ME: I've been driving since June.
ASHLEIGH: Is that a yes then? 
Yes... yes it is.


We then spent about an hour or two in town, wondering about the streets, looking for the venue and the tram station.


We also went to Burger King, where we saw the adorable sight of a little boy wandering up to the counter by himself and asking:
LITTLE BOY: Can I get another one?
He was holding a Theodore chipmunk in his hand. Bless him. 


I don't understand why he didn't like Theodore... he's the cutest. Look at him!


Awww!


We both had a sweet chilli chicken wrap, it was yummy, but I was angry because I bit into it and a bit of chicken fell out. I picked it off the table and threw it onto the tray, before getting accused of "burying the chicken".


We went into the Glasgow HMV following that, where Ashleigh VERY nearly deafened me with a pair of beats headphones. I had them on my head and she put them on... on full.


If you put a pair of beats on and put them on full blast, you won't just lose your hearing, you'll lose your ears too.


So I was very lucky and managed to snatch them just before they adjusted to the full volume.


After that, it was off to the tram station which took us... about ten minutes to find when we actually got out onto the street.


It's literally right in front of you as you walk down the high-street.


It's underground, so we used the escalator to get downstairs, I realised that there were several random bumps on the metal parts directly beside either sides of the escalator.
ME: How many idiots do you think tried to slide their way down there before they put in those 'speed bumps'?
My guess is seven.


For only £1.20 each, we got a tram ticket that took us across the city, amazing deal, seen as first bus is more expensive, less reliable, takes longer and isn't as regular.


I'm onto you, corporate scum.


When we ran downstairs, we were just in time... to hear the tram racing off in the opposite direction.


So we took the next four minutes to take in our surroundings, including the ominous screens that read "Report any suspicious behavior".
ASHLEIGH: Report any suspicious behavior... like a bomb?
ME: No... they mean report any mimes juggling ba... what do you think? 
The tram was an interesting experience, it took literally two minutes, and at each stop, the tram only waited at the station for about ten to fifteen seconds at the most...


I felt like a kid getting on a double decker bus for the first time, full of wonder.


When we finally got to the venue (after getting over the initial shock of the tram), we were shocked by just how long the queue was.


They were lining up along the venue's front wall... and around the corner, along the side of the venue... and past the tour buses' parking area.


This wasn't at 6.30pm either... this was at 4pm. Three hours before the crowd were even due to get in.


It wasn't a terrible wait. It was really damn cold though, I was fine because I had my big cosy jacket on, but Ashleigh only had a hoodie cardigan thing on, and she didn't even wear socks!!


My feet were freezing, and I had socks and converse on.


There were three or four fan-girls behind us, screaming their head off because some dude walked out of the back-stage of the venue. We took it to be someone from the Maine. We weren't bothered. Neither of us could even name you one of their songs, let alone one of the members. 


They kept screaming though, causing Ashleigh to say:
ASHLEIGH: If they don't shut up, I'm going to take that rug, cut it up into pieces and shove a piece down each of their throats. And with the remaining part? I will keep me feet cosy.
The venue was lovely when we got in... the security were not.


We got our bags checked by this woman first, who told me:
WOMAN: They aren't letting big bags into the venue, better check yours into the coat-room.
Fair enough. So I went to find the coat-room, when this black dude started shouting:
DUDE: HOLD IT! Wait until I check your bag! 
He was excessively thorough with his checks... he was a douche.


I couldn't find the coat-room, so I took it with me anyways. Nae bother. 


I'll be posting a review of the gig sometime later on today, so bear with me!


Lauren xxx

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