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Friday, 13 January 2012

Meryl Streep is silently judging me

This is the most terrifying picture I have ever 
uploaded to this blog...


The definition of patronisation:
"Telling a group of 17/18 year olds how to make notes"
The PSE department are definitely running out of ideas.

They could discuss anything personal or socially relate-able. But do they?

No. They talk about note-making.

STEPHANIE: Urgh, I hope it isn't a talk on... walking to school or something.
It would have probably been more useful.

Lindsay (the person who came in to talk to us) had a cute hair-cut, so I whispered to Sara:
ME: I like her hair!
SARA: I like her height. 
She wasn't small... she was fun-sized.

We didn't eat her though... 
There just wasn't enough of her to pass around.


Clearly I'm joking. We're not cannibals, believe it or not.

She then got us to do this utterly pointless game where Sara had to write a sentence, which I would represent with a drawing. Linzie would then write a sentence involving this picture, and then Stephanie would draw a picture based on her sentence. 

This happened about fifty times.

Sara (who does Advanced Higher English) came up with the sentence:
"It was sunny outside, beside the tree"
Sara likes trees, she writes about them all the time.

Just for you Sara.

Then me (who does Advanced Higher art) attempted to draw a picture to visually represent Sara's sentence...

The drawing ended up looking like a crappier version of this:

Should I quit Advanced Higher art now or later?


Liam turned up to Maths today, which is a rare occasion. He doesn't usually come in on a Wednesday and he never turns up on a Friday... so, being the douche that he is, Hughes comes into our class and begins winding him up:
MR HUGHES: Liam, did you spin a wheel to decide your hair colour? *imitates spinning wheel* It's blue today!
MR HUGHES: *starts humming the smurfs theme-song* Aye, Papa Smurf!
MR SHAW: ... I don't know the names of any of the other smurfs. 
Smurfette, Hefty smurf, Brainy smurf, Cobbler smurf, Jokey smurf... Basically put any adjective in front of the word smurf.

I know my smurf characters.

Mr Shaw basically spent half of the period blaming Laura and Abie for farting. Toilet humor... classic!


Couldn't be happier, Kristina and Kelly came to visit me and Sara in Starbucks today, and it was the first time in 2012 that I heard Joey's sexy voice saying:
"Wheeped cream?"
Call me Winston Churchill because I
say "Oh yeeeesss."
SARA: I wish he knew my order!
ME: But you get different things!
SARA: I usually get a mocha! 
I got a vanilla spice latte today... oh my. So ridiculously yummy.

Kelly and Kristina came in after that, and after we gave them massive cuddles, we were on our way to a sidesplitting hilarious chat.

Yo' Bieber... your fans need professional help

I can't tell you who's reaction was funnier, Kelly's or Sara's. 

Sara was drinking her coffee when all of a sudden she made a terrified face that looked as though she was going to vomit whilst crying... complex emotions.

Kelly just read it, took three seconds and then her eyes widened to about twice their normal size.

We were talking more about this 'Peanut Bieber sandwich' (High-five for the subtle insinuation about Bieber's penis size, awwoooo!) and then all of a sudden, a bus pulled up outside starbucks, with this picture on it:

ME: ... *staring at picture* Meryl Streep is silently judging me.
Look, Meryl... I didn't write the story about the Peanut Bieber sandwich! I was just commenting on it...

Meryl Streep didn't believe me though. She kept appearing, and the amazing thing was, it was always as we were in the process of making a sexual reference...

Maybe we just have incredibly dirty minds...
Or maybe I need to shave off this mustache.
KELLY: *talking about University campus* I'd really like to go in and tickle their water-fountains.
ME: *pauses* Fancy doing it next week?
KELLY: Yeah!
ME: You can just imagine some University man running after and pancaking us! *pretending to cry* "I only wanted to tickle your fountain!"
I can't even remember half of the stuff we were talking about... all I remember is that I was genuinely crying with laughter, which is an achievement when you were feeling incapable of crying with either laughter or tears less than a few hours previously. What can I say, I have the most amazing friends.

Before they left, we had this conversation:
KRISTINA: We should rehearse the beach party!
KRISTINA: The beach... Where else?
Felt like such an idiot!


Walked through the door without Dougal, the first thing we were asked is:
CLASS: *gasps* Where's Dougal?
If he isn't with Sara, then he's not on this earth anymore.

That seems to be what everyone suggests! They just can't comprehend Sara and Dougal not spending every single second of the day together, just because they work and go to class together!

It's as if they are joined at the hip...

They aren't... Clearly. That would be awkward on so many levels.

Mrs Reid was going on a wee bit of a rant today:
MRS REID: Had my first 'Mum tantrum' not too long ago... My daughter came home from nursery and she had done something wrong, so I was giving her into trouble when she turned around and said "soz". *pulls a face of disgust* She's only two, and it's about that age that people begin to learn how to speak... I knew that she picked it up at the nursery so I marched in there and I said "I'd like it if my Daughter learned how to speak proper English before she learns text speak." 
TOM: What do you think about the word 'LOL'?
MRS REID: Urgh! Why would you say that?! It's an action, don't say "laughing out loud" if you're not laughing out loud! 
The rants didn't stop there... 

Background information: Our class has begged Struthers to let us go to the ballet to see 'A Streetcar named Desire' later on this year. 
MRS REID: A ballet version of 'A Streetcar named Desire'... what? It'll just be people on stage dancing around, without any words! 
TOM: I thought that they dance around and then sing like *deep voice* "He threw the meat at meeeee!" 
ME: ... That's opera.
TOM: Oh yeah! 
I'm not sure which one is more pretentious to be honest, opera or ballet.

Mrs Reid then went on to tell us about an unforgettable version of 'Romeo and Juliet'...
MRS REID: It was put on by the Royal Shakespeare company, and it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life.... Everyone was aliens, and there was a big globe on the stage, which they would do acrobatics on, which was the only good thing about the first act... but that was nothing compared to the second act... The character of the apothecary was a sock puppet which appeared from the orchestra pit... And it took about twenty minutes to die, I was close to climbing on stage and killing it myself!

From possessed sock puppets to New Years resolutions (logical conversational blend)
TOM: Do you have any New Year's resolutions?
MRS REID: To get back into professional swimming.
JORDAN: Do you have a favourite kind of stroke?
MRS REID: *after laughing for a minute* I quite like the breast stroke.
TOM: *trying to high-five Jordan* Breast-stroke!
We then had a fire alarm, which saw us shoved beside the statue, segregated from the rest of the school.

LADY: Have you all signed your name somewhere?
ME: Yup. On the statue. "Lauren waz ere". Because I do Advanced Higher English.
MIKEY: Mine's has a line through the 'z'.
ME: Ooooh, hardcore! 
Then the question of the day cropped up...
ME: If your school was on fire and you had a bag of marshmallows, would you roast them on your burning school?
Surprisingly(!), everyone said yes. 

Struthers walked past us at the bus stop as we were headed home, Dougal joked that Sara's hair got an erection because of this (she tied it up into a bobble on top of her head)
SARA: I have ladies hair gel at home! You just rub it and it goes hard.
Me and Dougal share a knowing glance at this moment. Somehow, it got onto neutering cats.
SARA: I'll take it in and show you!
ME: *pretending to put a cat on the table* This is one I made earlier! 
I swear to God, it was around this time that a bus with Meryl Streep's face on it pulled up on the opposite side of the road...

Silent judgment. It feels so good.

Lauren xxx

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