About Me

My photo

Blogger, full-time bum and proud owner of a rubber duck named Bert. Come say hi. I don't bite. Unless you're a cheesecake, then I'd recommend backing away slowly.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

I'm not a salesperson... BUT

Insulting people isn't the way to go when you are trying to sell them a product.

"Just sign your name here, here and here. You could
just write 'slobby git' if you want to, I'll know
who it means."

"Good afternoo... ooh... Thank God for this moustache,
 it's blocking out the terrible smell from your house...
 have your two hundred cats just had an orgy in there?"

"Go on, buy the house! Maybe you can wear the deeds
around your neck to prove to people that you're not
actually a hobo, you just look like one!"

If that's what sales people say to their potential customers, then I think their jobs wouldn't be the only things at risk...

Their lives and baby-making capabilities may also be under-threat.

Seriously guys, don't mention anything to cat-lady
about the "aroma" of her house.

I'll tell you guys what the point of all of this is in a few short minutes.

Yesterday, me and my parents went down to Dundee, which was somehow colder than Aberdeen... I didn't even know that was possible.

This photo wasn't taken in Antarctica, this was
actually taken just outside Union Square.
If you look very closely, that grey stuff isn't feathers.
It's just a fluffy Superdry hoodie.


Sorry, but how cute is that picture? Penguins are the best.

From penguins to sofas (totally related), I will now tell you about the ordeal my family went through in SCS.

We've been trying to do up our living room for quite some time now. I'd say we've been trying to find the perfect sofa/wall-paper/carpet combination for just over a year now. 

We went into the store though, for a browse, seen as we've never been to SCS before, we thought it couldn't hurt to try, right?


It was kind of creepy.

First, me and my Mum sit down on this sexy sofa, it's really comfy and we just kind of relax there for a second whilst my Dad wonders off, further into the shop. 

Then a salesperson wonders over and starts flirting with my Mum... urggh.
SALESPERSON: Ahh... you've been here before!
MUM: No, never been here before.
SALESPERSON: *shocked* Are you sure?
MUM: Must just have one of those faces!
Then they both laugh and I'm just wanting this to happen:

Sadly, the sofa wasn't hungry.

So once we got away from that salesman, another one came over.

His name was Bobby.


Urgh, I can just tell that I'm going to have tonnes of "booby" typos in this post.

We were clearly interested in this sofa called "Wade", so he started trying to sell it.

I mean, he is a salesperson, it's kind of what he does...

Bobby comes over and starts talking about fish mouth springs... I'm certainly no expert, but I think that means:

A ridiculously comfy seat

Then he starts saying that a girl stitches every stitch of a floral pattern onto your sofa, it's never done by machine. 

And then he brought out the big guns...
Bobby: Wade have made products by Royal appointment...
"One would prefer a wade."

That sales pitch was pretty solid, right? Add that to the fact we get 25% off the price of the sofas and it's a pretty good deal!

But then he goes and messes it up.
BOBBY: Right, I'm going to be honest here, I'm going to be honest, you're going to need something special to support your weight so it doesn't get worn out.
My reaction exactly Whoopi.

Then he called my Mum short... The only person he didn't insult was me actually! He said I could run a marathon.

Excuse me whilst I roll around
on the floor, laughing my ass off

Seriously though, when has "call your potential customer fat" ever been a sales tactic?!

He might have realised he made a mistake saying that, because he clawed it back by saying:
BOBBY: Anyone want a tea or coffee? 
ME: He's clearly roofied it...
He finally left us for fifteen minutes, as we explored the rest of the store. They had some pretty awesome sofas. My favourite had to be this one:

Then Mum ruins the comfort and sheer spinning awesomeness by sitting beside me and saying:
MUM: Ooh! We could get romantic!

He kept pushing us to buy this sofa though, eventually, we ended up doing an evasive manoeuvre out of the store, into the car and out of the carpark, fully expecting an insane Bobby to run out and jump onto our windscreen, waving the invoice in our faces and begging us to sign.

He didn't though, he was probably offering some other poor family SCS's 'special blend'

Went to Debenhams for some food... don't. We were £13.96 for two crappy toasties, two cups of tea and a pepsi.

We also got a teeny tiny cup of chips (yes, apparently bowls aren't good enough for Debenhams anymore) for free, silly people forgot to charge us.

I had an awesome day down in Dundee, it was nice to just hang out with my family for once. I rarely get to do that now. We're always glued to the TV or our keyboards or we're in entirely different places altogether!

We had a nice meal in the place with the tree (a wee restaurant we've been to so many times, but I can never remember the name of it) and seen as they were in such a good mood, I decided I'd lay down the question I ask every year:
ME: Can I go to T In The Park this year?
'RENTS: *look at eachother before, in unison* No.
ME: Awwww, how come?
DAD: I don't want to see you on BBC, on top of some random guys shoulders, flashing your boobies to Parazone!
He means Paramore.

Can just imagine Taylor's face...

"What. Is. She. Doing."

I have more self respect than that, which I told them!

Mum replied with this:
MUM: But you'll be up to your crotch in dubs!
My parents people!

Lauren xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment