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Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Fresh meat?

First years.

Now, as a member of the eldest year group in school, I've seen my fair share of first years. 

Some were annoying, some were cute, some were loud, some ate just about everything and some (as you will soon find out) are a little bit homicidal.

Yes. One is the reincarnation
of Jack Torrance.

So there we were, first, fifth and sixth years alike, all in the same room.

The fifth and sixth years (who's job it was to guide the first years round the school) far outnumbered the first years. 

Can I just add, the first years are adorable.

Me and Linzie are looking after two in particular: Shania and Lauren.

We decided (justifiably, before we met them) that we were going to set some first years up. Like a Kincorth dating service.

Oh look, this one chose basketball... and so did this one! It's meant to be.

When we saw how cute and innocent they were, the idea quickly got slapped out of us.

It's like setting up a dating agency for puppies. 

Sadly, doggie dating agencies do exist

Regardless, we abandoned the plan and treated them (or should I say, forced to treat them) to a tour of our disgusting beautiful school.

So, I waited outside the drama studio with Lauren, and we waited for Linzie and Shania to come out.

Linzie came out... alone.
ME: Where's Shania?
LINZIE: I thought you had her!?
ME: No, you had her!
LINZIE: I was speaking to Mrs Anderson! Have the boys got her?
ME: No, she was behind me!!
Within two minutes of moving, we had already lost a first year.

If only losing weight was so easy.

I went ahead and took Lauren to see the astro turf. There's not much to look at. 

Then we saw Megan, holding a tub (she baked cupcakes for her first years) and a top hat (she wanted to be like Willy Wonka).

Mrs Murray did not like the top hat.
MRS MURRAY: Take that off right now and see me at the end of the day!
Megan had a good reason for wearing that top hat though...
MEGAN: Some of the first years are taller than me, so I had to stand out in some way so they could see where I was. They were all scared, I was just trying to lighten the mood...
She forgot to mention that she wanted
to look "spiffing" *pretentious head wobble*

Linzie had found Shania. Thank God, I got worried!

We just took them on a tour of the school. The same thing was said about four different times. The first years were still confused.

I do not blame them for being confused. It was only their first hour in the school, I'd be impressed if they could remember where their registration class was.

They didn't.

But hey, it's only their second day at Kincorth... I don't expect them to know where they are going!

Glen has bigger problems though...

He's got the homicidal first year (whom, for the purposes of this story, we'll call Heffy)

HEFFY: *sees saws in the technical department* Saws!!
GLEN: Don't touch them!
Heffy decides he's going to touch them.
HEFFY: I'm going to chop your heads off! Ayyy! *attempts to touch them... again*
No Heffy! Bad Heffy! *slap*
Pretty sure Heffy isn't the boys name.

From second period onwards, all of my year began referring to the first years as "my children".
LAURA: I'm away to pick my children up from Science.
RACHEL: *panics* Where's my child?!
SAM: Someone took them to the toilet.
RACHEL: *calms down* Phew... I thought I lost them! 
We have bonded. I did not think that this would happen. But it has, kudos to Kincorth, they've done something right for a change!

I felt bad for the earlier comment I made, where I asked whether or not we could chant "Fresh meat! Fresh meat!" whilst the first years piled out of the cold bar. I was joking. But I still feel bad!


That being said, I dislike the first years for one reason (and only one reason)... They kicked us out of art.

Okay, they were timetabled to have Mr McDonald the same time that we were. So priorities... the first years got the classroom and the teacher and we were told to bugger off down to the end room.

No worries, Kelly kept us amused by looking up funny sentences and funny questions. Here's the best ones:
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
Do people in prison celebrate halloween.... if so how?
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?
If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
It was the last one that had us in fits... who asks those questions!?!

Kati is the love child of Miley Cyrus and Forest Gump...

Seriously, she has the perfect voice for it!


Nothing really to say about English... Ms Struthers is cool?

But Grrr... one more double period of silence and I'll have to get Heffy to sort it out!!

Going to leave it there...

Enjoy the nightmares.

Lauren xxx

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