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Saturday, 5 March 2011

Welcome to the Ping Pong show.

NOTE: This post is less to do with this...

And more to do with this....

All shall become clear.

So much has happened today... I'll try to remember it all.


Doing some revision. 

Scott was INSANELY excited because Pokemon was coming out for the DS today. Gayest name for a pokemon game?

Pokemon leaf green.


Yeah. About as hardcore as a clefairy.


Don't you think that would be Louie Spence's chosen pokemon?

I think so too.

Came off the bus from Psychology and was talking to Ashleigh.
ME: Ashalilly!
ASHLEIGH: Awww cute! Only my Dad calls me that.
Ha. It was 9.40 and I had already gone into inappropriate comment mode.


Mrs Fulton was being a bit of a legend again, she always is. 

Wish I could remember the stuff she was coming out with... It was comedy gold!
MRS FULTON: Fair is foul, and foul is fair... I'm fair, so what does that make me?
CALUM: Foul.
MRS FULTON: Ahh, walked into that one!
Haaaa, bless! 

Mystified by Kelly's earrings today... they were insane. One ear was a Pig's head, the other one had it's ass in it.

Kelly and Ashleigh were telling me all about the day they had yesterday, cause they went to watch "Death of a salesman" in the theatre with their English class.

Apparently, some girl was trying to get into the toilet and said:
GIRL: Where's the doorhandle?
GRANT: On the door.
Oooh. Smart asses. 

Kelly lost her Subway virginity last night to a six inch meaty Italian. Phwoaaaar.
Sophie told me on the way from Psychology to English that she had something for Maths... 

And it was...

*pause for effect*


Boom. Hear that noise? That's Sophie being awarded Hero Status.
Record that because it's a beautiful noise.

Pure silence in the classroom followed by a major rustle of packaging and the clinking of skittles. 

Also, found out today that it's impossible to chew skittles slyly.

She's more of a sly chewer than the four of us.
I shall name her Buttercup.

Sophie came up with a good idea.
SOPHIE: For every question we get right, we should eat a skittle!
CALUM: I wouldn't get any then...

We were discussing her interpretive dance routine, she's still struggling for ideas so I told her to look up Louie Spence on "Big Fat Quiz Of The Year" (Sophie, if you're reading, skip to 1.06)

Calum is my blog's little advertisement now, thank you toots! Appreciate the love and belief!

Sophie? Appreciate the skittles.

Dougal? You are too clever. But I appreciate you helping us all out when we're confuffled.

We got onto talking about "Despicable me"... God knows why.

OH! And Mr McDonald's porno comment.

Should have seen their faces.

Pure joy.

Dougal got so bored by the end of the double period. He could probably teach the class the work himself...

WAIT. He teaches a quarter of the class as is...


Danielle came out with my (then) favourite phrase of the day.

Background: There's a cook called Muriel, usually 5th and 6th years can slide into the queue unnoticed and get served but today she wasn't allowing ANYONE to skip.

So when Mr Hughes suggested that we could wait a while before getting out of class early...
DANIELLE: Muriel's on a rampage!
Filed under "Possible band names". 

The turd muffins today looked absolutely amazing. The fact that the cooks ran out of them. So what does Naomi do?
NAOMI: Ohhh, they were so good!!
Thanks Naomi. Rub it in!

I was doing my "rap dancing", which is basically this:

Boo yah.

Ashleigh says that I am not allowed to "do the triangle". I quite agree.

But it's still fun.

Went to Mrs Anderson's room with Ashleigh first, after fighting the incredible urge to go and play Penny can.

Mrs Anderson was confused on how to use her computer, saying that all her files vanished.

Clearly they didn't, she just didn't know that you could scroll sideways.


Didn't know what to do after that, so we went downstairs and did Door Duty (you sit on your ass and SOMETIMES you open the door to let someone in).

We played the game of life on Ashleigh's iPhone.

I have NEVER played that game in my life before so imagine my amazement...
ASHLEIGH: You just became a Grandparent!
ME: I don't have any kids!
We took the game SO serious. I ended up as a black woman, married to a Ginger husband called Michael, working as a mechanic and retired to £60,000 pension and living in a Millionaire's mansion.

Ashleigh was a woman called Mary who married Michael's twin brother and had four kids with him by having unprotected sex in their car (because, let's face it, you don't get out of that car when you're playing the game)

After we played that Mr Hughes walked through the door, perky as a fourteen year old cheerleader.
MR HUGHES: You's could be doing some Higher Maths revision!
ASHLEIGH: We could.
MR HUGHES: You should!
ASHLEIGH: We could.
MR HUGHES: You should!
ASHLEIGH: We're not going to.
MR HUGHES: You should if you want to pass the exam. Up to you.
I am going to get an A in the final exam and prove. Him. WRONG.

(NOTE: I'm editing this in January 2012... I got an F in the estimate, an F in the prelim and an F in the final exam. Maybe we should have been revising...)

Looked on the lateness board, they are always good for a laugh. 

Best reason for lateness I've ever seen?
"Attacked by mutant dogs"

Other good one on the sheet?
"Sick (Anti-pregnant)"
Ohhhh Kincorth Academy. 

Mr McDonald made ANOTHER inappropriate comment.
MR MCDONALD: *To Stephanie* Where's "Sexy Signature" in Aberdeen again?
STEPHANIE: There is no shop called "Sexy Signature". Do you mean Ann Summers?
Someone then made a comment about how Mr McDonald just stares into the shop window.
MR MCDONALD: No! I don't do that, the good thing about the street is that the shops across the road are reflective.
Pornos, staring at reflections of ladies underwear... What next?! 

And Lewis wrote a masterpiece...

About Maple syrup and Pancakes.

It sounds much less impressive than it actually is.

So good!

But away home we go and it's time to get ready for Russell Howard!

So Ross came and picked me and Ashleigh up, and we were driving up to Laura's house, having some strange conversations:

ASHLEIGH: I wish I wore a more supportive bra, all these speedbumps...
Speedbump bra? Tell your friends.
ROSS: Who wants speedbumps? Naked women would be much more effective in slowing drivers down.
ME: But what happens if a Nun is driving and she has to avert her eyes... Isn't that dangerous driving?
ASHLEIGH: The nuns can have their own area.
ROSS: How many nuns do you know that drive?! Scrap that. How many Nuns do you know!?
ASHLEIGH: My Mum's afraid of nuns.
Best. Fear. Ever.

Oh. Ross almost drove over two cats. They were just chilling, suicidally in the middle of the road, and Ross was driving towards them. Ever closer.
ROSS: It's okay, they'll move.
They didn't move until they realized that Ross wasn't going to stop for them. Which was about five seconds before they met their doom.

The cat's expression once it realized that Ross was
going to run him over.

Picked up Laura after that, she's such a cutie pie.

Her and Laura began having a conversation about shoes. A seriously in depth conversation about shoes actually.
ME: Hey Ross, you happy that you're driving with three girls now?
ROSS: Three girls are in my car, That's all that matters
Ross had on his car playlist, and a song came on, which made Laura really happy.
LAURA: NO-ONE change this song!!
That song was Spandau Ballet - Gold.

Queue mad lipsyncing, weird head-movements and a spot of air guitar.

Yeah. Four teenagers in a car, singing along to a song that is older than they are.

It's the future.

I wanted to make up an air band.

Turns out that only Air guitar, air drums, air cello, air piano and air violin work. NEVER try air maracas. Cause you look a bit like you're taking a seizure.

We would name the band... Muriel's on a rampage.

Commence "the triangle"!

Awkward moment of the day?

Accidental boob graze.

Yeah, I was going to point out the window, but instead, I prodded Ashleigh in the boob.

The day I take a ride in Ross' car and someone DOESN'T get sexually assaulted, will be a very, very special day.

Got into the AECC carpark, and after getting ushered by a security guy that looked like he was fourteen, we got to parking the car.

Me and Ashleigh were given the job of getting the parking ticket, was speaking to a security guard.
SECURITY GUARD: Ticket prices are going up to £5 next week, if you're coming back to see Boyzone.
ME: I'll have to tell my Mum.
ASHLEIGH: We actually have a life!
Went in to get our seats after that, and went to have a pee, get some badges and a drink (in that order).

Poor guy.
ASHLEIGH: Can I get two IRN BRU's please?
MAN: Ohhh, yes! Sorry!
The wait for Russell to actually come on felt like it took forever.

But it was worth the wait.
RUSSELL: It's nice to be back in Aberdeen! It's always a funny and odd this gig. The last time I did a gig here I asked "What's good to do in Aberdeen?" and a voice went "Rachel."
Reasons I love Aberdonians. 

I love how he was slagging off Jordan.
RUSSELL: Woman are beautiful, you don't want to carry around your tits in a wheelbarrow. And why would you want to get Plastic surgery? Have you seen Ann Robinson? She looks like a fox in a wind tunnel.
He talked a lot about sex, and his sex life, and let me tell you, Russell has had some BAD experiences.
RUSSELL: I was having sex with a girl and genuinely, I couldn't get a song out of my head and I swear to god it was "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands". 
People start to applaud.
 RUSSELL: Don't clap! Don't clap! There'll be younger people thinking "Is that how you do it?"
He suffers from Hayfever too!
RUSSELL: It's so unmanly, hayfever. But I'm thirty, I've got blood shot eyes, tears streaming down my face. "Who did this to you Russell?" Daffodils. There were too many of them Mum.
He sleep walks too.
RUSSELL: You're brain becomes evil. "Pretend your a cat". "I'm asleep" "I know you're asleep, pretend you're a f**king cat, what are you doing with your clothes on Russell, cat's don't wear clothes! I know your over at your Girlfriend's parents house but nothing would cheer them up more than a great big naked miaow!" Good idea brain. Morning! MIAAOW!
His Brother sounds AWESOME too.

Reasons Russell's brother is awesome:
  1. He pretended to work in Abercombie and Fitch, working with his top off (even though he's chubby) and he lasted for forty minutes.
  2. He had sex in a bush (NOTE: A bush as in shrubbery)
  3. He punched someone in the face whilst singing Phil Collins.
Best joke of the night (in my opinion anyway) was his joke on the Ping Pong shows of Thailand.

If you don't know what a Ping Pong show is, it's basically when a woman shoots objects (usually ping pongs) from her vagina.


Yes. You read correctly.

Anyways, Russell and his brother went to see one, and after the ping pong lady had finished her act (and hit his brother several times on the head), she went off and a seventy year old woman came out.
RUSSELL: I asked him "What do you think will happen?" and I will never forget what he replied... "Basketball".

But no. It wasn't basketball.

It was worse.
RUSSELL: A budgie flew out, went around the crowd, and landed on her shoulder.

I now CANNOT look my bird square in the eye.

Aberdeen is so cool that we peer pressured him into taking his top off.

Believe it. We saw his nipples.

There's too many private jokes now that are created from that show, so I'll list them and you can ask me to elaborate on them later if you want.
  1. Drifting
  2. He puts his cakes in a wheelie bin
  3. Wank angel
  4. Five points from Gryffindor
  6. Bosie
  7. Baby! Baby! Baby! Umbrella, ella!
  8. Gash in the attic
  9. Funny money.
Woke up this morning SO HAPPY.

Lying beside my laptop because I was trying to finish this blog but clearly, there was so much information, I fell asleep whilst writing it.

Hope you all have a good weekend!



 Jealous of this dude.

Lauren xxx

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